Yahoozey!

A bird pooped on my shoulder as I was walking to the T this morning!!! This means that I'm going to have good luck! The last time it happened to me was on July 15th, 2005. It's like the bird-pooping Olympics. And I'll take it, because on the night of the previous pooping, I was whisked away to a surprise concert and the next night, CoHo and Mark threw a huge surprise birthday party for me. See? Good luck! (And I have the best friends!)
Last time, though, it got all in my hair and I had to run into the Somerville Theater and beg to use their bathroom without buying a ticket. They resisted for as long as they could, but eventually they couldn't ignore the white crap running down my face. This morning, though, not only did the bird totally miss my hair, but I also had Kleenex in my bag. No, I'm not elderly (though I do have Tums and my glasses in there too)...I'm just so happy to be sick :)
OMG, time out. I just remembered another time I was crapped on... Spring Break, Panama City, 2000 (there goes my Olympics theory), on the beach, seagull perpetrator. Trying to remember any luck after that... one of my college friends didn't follow through on her threat to push her boyfriend off our hotel balcony...? I guess that's it. Though it's really more good fortune for Ryan than me. They're married with a baby now. Wonder how that's working out.

Will keep you posted on my poop luck!!!

Things that aren't right.

Hey! Blech, I've been sick all week and it blows. Earlier, my throat felt like it had a piece of sandpaper lodged in it, and I still have balloon head (where everything seems really far away-I think it's a real term. No I don't, I just made it up). People have been talking to me at work and I just stare back at them. My response mechanism really needs to improve before I alienate my coworkers all over again. They've just forgiven me for the office-egg-smell incident (I think).

1. Okay, so I'm waiting for the green line train yesterday and all of a sudden, what comes floating towards me but one of those awful, awful, awful statue people who are real, but pretend like they're not. You know them... they stand in a square and you stare at them and then they move and you're like, WTF? I thought you were a statue! Followed by my thought: I hate you and I'm terrified. For the record, I don't enjoy (at all) regular sized people in costume. Like, the Easter Bunny, or scary adult costumes at Halloween (never again, SCOTIA), or mascots (we'll talk later, Mark), or mannequins. They're just not my jam. I'm not even going to start on clowns.
So anyway, this woman is all white (face, arms, all of it) and is wearing a corset and a long skirt. So I'm like, peace out, sucka, I'm getting on the other train. And I did...happily noticing that she was on the platform as we pulled out (she had a bunch of crap with her and couldn't fit). Please note, by the way, that the fact that she was chatting on a cell phone did nothing to lessen my fear. To me, she was an unnatural human exhibit. I want no part of that.
So I get off at Park Street and wait for the red line, reading my book. The train arrives and I board, holding onto a pole, and only looking up when I feel someone standing right in front of me. It is the ghostly statue woman and I swear to God, my heart stopped. How did this happen?! I got noticeably freaked out and before I could stop myself went, "Oh no, no, no, no, no," and started pushing through people on the train to get the F away from her. I finally found a spot behind an obese fellow (get through that, statue freak!) and chilled out, but I'm not going to lie, I swear she was giving me the stink-eye for the rest of the trip. She got off at Harvard, so watch out, Mark. And don't count on me coming to visit anytime soon.

2. A woman just called to change her credit card on file and as I was helping her, I heard a familiar voice in the background. Seems that my phone friend was watching a fabulous little show called Snapped. For those who don't know, it's a show about women who were pushed too far (or are just naturally crazy psychos)... and commit murder. And I am OBSESSED. So obsessed, in fact, that I was able to identify the exact case she was watching (a Russian woman, addicted to wealth and fortune, killed her husband!)
So obviously, I was going to share my observation with her, but A) I realized that it makes me sound pathetic and B) I didn't know if she'd appreciate me pointing out that she was home at 3:00 on a Thursday, watching Oxygen. Plus, her membership picture looked mean and I don't need anyone snapping on me, thanks.

Moral of my story: Watch Snapped, but know that it's never okay to murder anyone. Unless it's a human statue and it's self-defense.

Guest Post: The Food Corner

Hi y'all! Ladies, stop everything you're doing, hang up on the caterers and tell the members that their cancellation refund checks are in the mail. And Becca, stop doing whatever you do all day. Have ya tried these yet?

Olive oil? Garlic? FETA?? Every seemingly-sinful bite practically screams "Bryan" - and at only 80 calories per serving, you'd be screaming right back (if your mouth wasn't full of tangy Mediterranean flavor).

I didn't want to wait until we were all at the salon to dish about these. They're just THAT GOOD!!!

Oh, Becca - I just thought of what I should have said at the beginning for you. "Suspend" what you're doing! Get it? I still don't know what you do though.

Bye y'all!

I'm In L.A. Trick!

Hi, I'm back to chat about my fancy L.A. weekend! Oh, and the title of this blog refers to a song that Jessica introduced me to... listening to it on the radio, whilst in L.A. was so fetch (sorry, we watched Mean Girls in L.A!)

So, I guess my L.A. extravaganza started at the airport when I received three rapid-fire, stalkerish messages from Mark, asking if I was by a Cosi and holding a UBurger bag. That crazy guy had shown up to surprise me before I left, though he couldn't get through security, resulting in a semi-dramatic movie airport scene in which we stood, double doors (opened by a security guard) between us. It was like Field of Dreams...though I'm fairly certain I wouldn't have aged if I'd stepped through the door; it just would've been a biotch to get back through security. Anyway, after a few awkward I love you's (some security guards are so nosy!) Mark left (and saw Ben Affleck on the T- WHAT??) and I flew to L.A. trick! I don't actually know what that means.

My flight was uneventful...had a BM (sup Bekka?), watched He's Just Not That Into You (if you can read the title, skip the movie!) and slept. The only notable instance was when the window-seat man to my left excused himself to go to the bathroom. As I stood in the aisle waiting for him to climb out, I awkwardly announced that I had to go too and hoped he "didn't mind if I followed him to the bathroom!" He smiled nervously and didn't talk to me for the rest of the flight. I guess some people don't like being assigned Bathroom Buddies anymore.

Jessica picked me up at the airport and, after an appropriate amount of screaming and hugging and I can't believe you're/I'm in L.A.'s, we headed to Santa Monica! We first walked on the Santa Monica pier with the rest of the hoodlums, opting for chatter and wacky pictures rather than flirting and drug deals (just this once), and then settled in at Yankees, a giant sports bar, for a drink. I suavely attempted to pay for a five dollar beer with one dollar (I've never been good at math) and we hung out for awhile, grabbing sushi from an all-night healthy convenient store on the way home!!! I love L.A.

I'm sorry but Saturday, guys, was SO much fun. First we went to this huge designers market held in the penthouse of a huge building in downtown L.A. It was awesome; people were selling clothes, earrings, kid stuff, bags, accessories...a bunch of funky stuff. AND they had a DJ, food and free wine and PBR. You really can't top shopping with a buzz- am I wrong?! Jessica and I got earrings, shirts (hers is western and mine has a lady with an afro on it!) and some other stuff and then headed to Hollywood Blvd. for some more shopping at that "amazing store, only found in L.A."

Okay, backstory: Last year, when Mark and I visited Jessica, we found this awesome store where I proceeded to buy almost everything. Ever since then, we've been all, Man, if only they had that store on the east coast and What a unique find! Ummm, turns out the store's name is XXI...followed by Forever. Jessica and I finally put together that the store we've been lusting after is a friggin' Forever 21. Which can be found at every mall in the United States. What did I say about my math skillz? I always struggled with roman numerals. Whatevs, I bought three dresses, a skirt and a shirt :)

We then had a light lunch of chopped salad and sweet potato fries (they put sea salt and cracked peppercorns on the fries! Incredible!) at the Roosevelt Hotel and then, naturally, headed to the Beverly Hills Hotel for a drink. After tossing the car keys to a valet, we proceeded to sip Bellinis on the veranda overlooking the hotel pool and cabanas. Basically, just another Saturday afternoon! So, so much fun. They even gave us marinated mozzarella cheese and spicy peanuts for free (well, as an accompaniment to our $20 drinks, I suppose). Then, just because it seemed like the right thing to do, we held an impromptu photo shoot in the hotel bathroom (which was bigger than my apartment, by the way) featuring us spinning, sitting on fancy chairs, and posing by the marble sinks. It was crazy, but classy, and was only interrupted by some old bag who clearly did not approve of our whimsical antics. Guess what? We didn't approve of hers either.

That night, after regrouping, we hit up the Geisha House for some of the BEST sushi either one of us has ever head. Ummm, surf and turf sushi anyone? No biggie, it only has lobster and Filet Mignon in it! Albacore tuna with jalapeno peppers sound good?! We were flipping out. We toasted (I had the Geisha's Dream cocktail and Jessica had champagne) and basically talked about how fancy we were... because talking about how fancy you are doesn't subtract from the fanciness. Everybody know that. We then bailed on the rest of Hollywood Blvd (skanks galore!) and hit up Chateau Marmont (sup Lohan?) and then The Saddle Ranch (sup Miranda and Girls Next Door?), where the trashiest girl I've ever seen proceeded to simulate sex atop the mechanical bull. I'm talking nasty skank ho, here. We're pretty sure she worked there and was supposed to get people interested in riding the bull, but all we were interested in was some sanitizer. I'm confident that the rest of the bar felt the same way too... she was only humored with a couple weak Yeahs and Woo-hoos before she slutted her way outside. Oh, L.A.!

The next day, we hit up a Farmer's Market which was absolutely fabulous!!! The artichokes were the size of my head, there were leafy greens for miles, the fruit was perfectly ripe and juicy... amazing. I kept trying to rationalize carting a giant bag of fruit and veggies across the country, but I just couldn't make it happen. Something else that I will never make happen again? Wheat grass shots. SICK. Jessica and I were not impressed. If I want that kind of flavor again, I'll go pick some grass in my backyard and throw it in the blender with a stick and water. To make myself feel better, I tried my first crepe (awesome!) and Jessica and I split a raw, veggie taco in a cabbage leaf (double awesome!)

We then hit up Venice Beach, laid in the sand and watched the freaks (ahem, performers), followed by a long drive along the water through... to... (ahh, Jessica help me out) where we took pictures of the beautiful view, chatted, drank coffee....basically the best time ever :) THEN, I had to pack to go home...not the best time ever.

After one last dinner (I had the best turkey burger...everyone go to Barneys in Santa Monica!), our weekend was over :( Jessica drove me to the airport, where I caught the red-eye to Boston (with one half-asleep layover in Indianapolis) and walked directly into work at 9:45. So, SO worth it. It's what celebrities do.

Moral of the Story: Jessica, I had the BEST time. Thank you for being the Hostess with the Mostess and I'm sorry I was cold the whole weekend. I also never, ever want to see the Joker or Sponge Bob again. EVER. Also... I LOVE L.A!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Hear From A Jet-Setter!

So, so much has been going on and I just really want to talk about it! I have two stories to share first, though:

1. This is actually more of a fact than a story, but I look B-U-S-T-E-D today. I mean, it's pouring here in Beantown, but that's no excuse. I have on rain boots that make my clown feet look even bigger, green army pants, a shapeless gray sweater and no make-up and am sporting a serious college softball-player ponytail (this is not a good thing, for those of you who are confused). Anyway, I just wanted to let all of you who see me tonight (Mark) know that I know that I'm fugs.

2. Man, did my love of HBEs (hard-boiled eggs) bite me in the rump yesterday! Every day at work I have the same salad-- lettuce, a tomato, half a cup of black beans and one HBE, all drizzled with olive oil and Tassinari spice (what up, Vo?!) So yesterday, I decided to wash out dirty Tupperware that had housed my Sarah Salad the previous week. Lifted the lid and son of a b!#&h if I didn't unleash the most foul-smelling, horrendous odor in the universe. A coworker came out of the bathroom and stopped dead in her tracks, horrified at what she'd walked into. It smelled as if someone had cut the roof off a public restroom, filled it with rotten eggs and vegetables, and left it to bake in the hot sun. My office isn't that big and all I could hear was frantic cries of Oh my GOD! and What IS that? It was mortifying. The Russian accountant opened a window and our IT girl offered a 3 oz. bottle of body spray, but it was like trying to put out a fire with a shot glass of water. I had to run (literally, I sprinted) to CVS to buy an extra strength bottle of Febreze. Both the owner and CFO left early and I can't be sure I didn't smoke 'em out.

Moral of my story: The salad is amazing, but wash the Tupperware out that night if you want to be invited to any work functions.

Okay, so I have officially been promoted to celebrity status (right, like I wasn't there before!) Two weekends ago, I was in New York City for the Tribeca Film Festival and last weekend I was in Los Angeles!!! Seriously, so amazing.

Mark bought me the NYC trip for Christmas and we had the BEST time. We saw five movies:

Paintball: Only go with a gun to your head...and even then, I'd probably just take the gunshot.
Queen to Play: Beautiful, touching, extraordinarily acted...our favorite of the weekend!
Handsome Harry: An interesting storyline, with very solid performances by an outstanding ensemble cast. My #3 pick, Mark's #2.
Serious Moonlight: Unfortunately, a major movie misstep. A terrible concept and Meg Ryan needs a Botox intervention. #4 for both of us.
The Good Guy: A very creative spin on a basic idea. A superb debut for a first time writer; highly entertaining. My #2 pick, Mark's #3.

It was just so cool. The Tribeca Program Director introduced the director of the film and he/she introduced the movie...and then walked back to his/her seat where the stars of the movie were sitting, which was RIGHT BEHIND US! At first, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to concentrate (hi, no biggie, just out to watch a movie with celebrities!) but I was able to pull it together. Which was good, because after the film, the stars came up to the front with the director to discuss the film! Mark and I totally caught on too, and started sitting front and center in either the first or second row, where I could properly paparazzi everyone. We saw: Kevin Kline, Steve Buscemi, Aidan Quinn, Jamey Sheridan, Campbell Scott, Anna Chlumsky, Alexis Bledel and Andrew McCarthy...among a buttload of others! Kevin Kline is witty and charming and Alexis Bledel is clearly only comfortable in front of a camera. Oh, and I'm almost certain that Steve Buscemi looked at me once. OH! And Phoebe Cates was there because she's married to Kevin Kline. OH! And they're doing a remake of Drop Dead Fred! I don't know if she'll sign on, but man, am I excited.

The rest of the weekend was so much fun too... Mark and I shopped a lot, ate good food (mostly), and held proper movie review sessions in local bars. One bar had Kung Pao calamari and a bathroom that only played Justin Timberlake songs, displaying a giant mosaic of him on the wall. It's like they knew I was coming! OH! And as we were leaving on Sunday, who does Mark casually strike up a conversation with in a convenient store?!?! Ummm, DEAN WINTERS! Okay, that name might not ring a bell, but does Dennis Duffy (30 Rock) or F$*# Buddy (Sex and the City)?!?! Mark was so cool too...he was all, "What's up, man?" and Dean was like, "Nothing, what's up with you?" Dean was really nice and it was so exciting. So exciting, in fact, that we forgot the new overnight bag I had just bought, at the convenient store! That's so New York of us.

Moral of the Story: Thank you for the best present, Mark! And celebrities, thank you for hanging out with me. That's the way it's supposed to be, can't you see that?

Guys, I have to go home for the night... L.A. Story (Ha! Get it?!) tomorrow!