Reality tv, don't make me give up on you.

As one of reality television's biggest supporters (except for The Hills- I will never understand that show), I am disgusted at the crap-ass turn it's taken this week. Could anything be worse than the outcomes of two of my former favorite shows?! Flop Chef and The Snatchlor, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Rewarding mediocrity is unacceptable and does a major disservice to us as viewers. This is not like choosing a crazy, but talented, winner; Lisa from ANTM and Marcel from Top Chef, a win would have been fine by me! No, this is inflating the egos of two idiotic nobodies FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Padma, Tom, Gail- I blame you for Hosea. America, Jason, and women in general- we are to blame for Gayson. Host Chris Harrison- it is never your fault.

Other than make out with Leah, will someone please tell me what else Hosea accomplished on Top Chef? (If you count making out with a witch an accomplishment). My major problem with this win is that Top Chef never seems to weigh the contestant's entire portfolio when judging the final meal. Yes, Hosea's meal was probably the best in the finale, but he was completely forgettable throughout the season. It was basically a "Eh, you survived and cooked a decent final meal" nod. Plus, since when do we reward incessant whining and intolerable confidence issues? If I had to hear one more word about Stefan, I swear I was going to jam a meat thermometer through Hosea's eye. Stefan was, by far, a superior chef, but rather than use that as incentive to succeed, Hosea chose to bitch and moan about it in every. single. confessional. Kind of like Ilan did with Marcel. And then Ilan won. Maybe Papa Tom pities the Younger Sibling Syndrome. Either way, this win was Carla's or Stefan's. I don't generally care for letting a giraffe prepare my meals, but dammit if Carla didn't pull some incredible dishes out of her ass (not literally). I've never heard of putting love in a dish (though I do usually hold the hate) but whatever she did consistently impressed the judges. And Stefan was just awesome. For anyone who didn't care for him, sometimes it's okay to be confident about your abilities. It's what makes people successful. Well, that and making out with the ugliest person in the house, apparently.

As for the "sensitive single dad just trying to find love," I'd rather find him a psychiatrist. I was so horrified by his behavior that I threw three New Yorkers, one sock, and a hat at the television, yelling at Mark for the actions of a douchebag neither of us knows. Now just to be clear, I am aware of the idiocy of The Bachelor. Twenty-five makeup-caked, "amazing" women with an abundance of jewel-encrusted 80's evening gowns, all desperately looking to find love with the same super-suave, surprisingly unattached man?! Preposterous. And also my favorite reality show (Jeff Probst, you are a close second, relax). How do you top the hilarity of using "My eggs are rotting," as a pickup line?! Can't be done. Trista's baby talk, Bob's wandering tongue, Lorenzo Lamas' daughter, Brad peacing out on BOTH ladies? Perfection, and for the record, good for Brad. DeANNA, Jenny...why the hell would you want a guy who not only chose not to propose, but chose not to even date you?!

Which brings me back to Gayson. My problem is not that he chose Melissa and then wanted to break up with her (see: every other season of The Bachelor). I'm just so disgusted that rather than do it in private, he Jenny Jonesed her ass, hiding her backstage while he discussed his dickhead plan with Chris. You could tell that Melissa was surprised, humiliated and angry, and that really, really sucks. The worst part is that Gayson still hides behind all that "I had to follow my heart" and "I don't regret anything" and "It just got too hard" bullshit. As the honorable Jimmy Dugan once said, "If it wasn't hard everybody would do it. The hard is what makes it great." You big, gay, selfish, punk-ass puppet. If I were Melissa, I would have been like, "Really? Nothing? You don't regret proposing to me, telling your child I was his new mommy, and spending the holidays cozying up to my family?!" And then I would have flipped the table and smashed a vase over his head. I guarantee Host Chris Harrison would have looked the other way.

Following the ambush, Sloppy Seconds nervously wobbled out to the couch and excitedly welcomed her indecisive knight in shining armor back with open arms, as "her feelings never changed either." Desperate hag. Then the other jilted ladies (the luckier ones) weighed in, voicing a slight distaste for the way Mr. Perfect handled the situation, but generally satisfied with the fact that he had finally found happiness. And this is precisely the problem. Somewhere down the line, the happiness of these lonely ladies became overshadowed by the insistence that Gayson just deserved it more. Hello? He cries and says the word "incredible" over and over again- more deserving, no. A homo, yes. Stephanie's husband was killed and she has a small child, but is anyone losing sleep over her loss? Or giving her unlimited resources to woo and destroy a steady line of singles? Nope. Though, if we're being honest, Canada Jill needs it more. Viola Swamp ain't getting any younger.

On a personal, bitchy note, I'm also wondering why both Gayson and Molly seem unable to execute a proper smile? The corners of their mouths just don't seem to want to turn up, resulting in a weird, horizontal, rounded, pill-shaped perma-wince. Actually, their mouths resemble Melissa's former diamond. And Gayson's son looks like a demonic Eddie Munster.

That is all. Jason and Molly, good luck with your unfunny, codependent, and nondescript lives and please put Ty in therapy immediately. Melissa, find yourself a straight guy and stay away from public matchmaking. It's what I did.