Living with Cliff Huxtable

WE GOT A PUPPY!!!

The good news is that he's amazingly well-behaved and predictably adorable. The bad news is that Mark and I can't stop speaking like high-pitched freaks. We keep using that weird dog voice ("Oh, you want some WAH-ter, DON'T you? Yes you DO!") that used to be a constant source of overheard enjoyment for us. HA! Listen to THOSE people- don't they know they're speaking to a dog?! It shouldn't last long though; we're still in the first week. Give me a couple more days and then smack me.

Anyway, his name is Cliff Huxtable (Hux, for short) and as most others are, he's obsessed with Mark and Colleen. He watches Mark like a hawk, standing at attention every time he attempts to leave the room. There's a lot of wrestling, soccer and running and I'm pretty sure Hux'll be invited to Mark's bachelor party. As for Colleen, they tend to bond in a different way...laying on CoHo's queen size bed, with the air conditioner blasting and Gilmore Girls on a constant loop. Wait, sorry. Sometimes it's The Secret Life of an American Teenager. If I walk into the room, they coolly acknowledge my presence, but neither makes much of an attempt to socialize. It's cool...I had a feeling CoHo was going to be the cool aunt. Can't wait 'til my kids like her better too!

As for temperament, this dog is straight up Bekka Bryan. He enjoys short, sporadic bursts of energy and then crashes, staring at you like you're a freak for still being on your feet after five minutes of movement. When he senses that a meal is about to be served, he races to his bowl, literally inhaling his food before we've even put the bag away. He hates the heat and drags ass, glaring at us every step of the way and laying down in defeat when he thinks we've pushed him too far (which means that we've walked a foot). He's also pooped in Mark's bedroom twice. Just kidding, Bek! That one's all Hux! But yeah, they are two fabulous peas in an iPod (I don't know what that means-- I just wanted to substitute iPod for pod!) and I'm pretty sure they're going to be best buds. IF Bekka can handle lying around watching Gilmore Girls.

He's a great, great dog. And I can finally rest assured that if I'm ever trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman about to give birth, everything will be okay. Cliff Huxtable will know what to do.

In other news, I'm going to go ahead and give Jersey Boys two enormous thumbs up! What a phenomenal play--- great acting, an intriguing story and exceptional music. Highly recommended. And in what I can only imagine was a celebration of the largely male cast (or the fact that the ladies room overflowed), Deanna and I were also allowed to use the men's room at intermission. Weirdly excited at the prospect of a shorter line and a new adventure, I awkwardly announced, "Oooh, yes! I have my camera- I am TOTALLY taking a picture!" As older people politely ignored my lack of bathroom etiquette, one guy quietly goes, "I get what you meant. You want a picture in front of the door, under the MEN sign." And he took our picture. Some people just get me, you know?

This was also after, in response to an elderly woman bossily directing us to the quite obvious bathroom line, D loudly retorted, "OH, Ya THINK?!" This prompted a steady stream of stifled twitters from all the ladies in line, and an accelerated pep in my step as I attempted to distance myself from the one person at the play who was going to take on an ancient female usher.

In short, I'm fairly certain we were a hit at intermission. And the play was excellent!

Other things that are new with me: I'm 90% moved into Mark's, but am still spending most nights at Fairfax on an air mattress. I got a little promotion at work and will now be devoting half my time to working in corporate sales. And the nail biting is only half-successful...I should have added "cuticles" to my thoughts when he was blowing bad images out of my head.

Oh, and I'm adding nuns to my list of things that make me uneasy. I saw one on the T a couple days ago and, for some reason, thought that she was going to smile at me and have fangs. Maybe I'm just scared of costumes. Sometimes a nun is just a nun, I guess.

Haaaaaappy Friday!!!

My Date With Robin Williams

Yello!


First off, I'd like to give a shout-out to my teeth! 6 1/2 years of zero dentist visits and I only have one tiny cavity. And it's only really the beginning of one! Smell ya in another 6 1/2 years, Dr. Cook! I'm sorry to all of the dentists who don't read my blog, but I'd rather eat with my feet then spend my life scraping someone's nasty-ass, chalky teeth (ack, just writing about that sound gave me the shivers)... blech!


Anywho, more importantly, my appointment with the Mad Russian was last Saturday! Obviously, this meant that Nail Binge Fest '09 was ON last week prior to the appointment, and I did not disappoint. My poor nails were like, "Help a brotha out! Let us breathe, gosh darn it!" (my nails don't ever swear), but I was like, "What if I never again know crazy, irrational satisfaction? What if I never again experience the high of ripping off a hangnail that mocks me? Deal with it biotches!" (I, unfortunately, do swear). Long story short, my nails were a-hurtin', come Saturday. And I was ready to beat this obsession... cutting a tomato without your hands stinging like a motha?! Is it possible?!


So as snoozeual, being that I was nervous, I was late, thus was even more nervous. Mark wasn't even running on Willis Time; we just hit a lot of traffic. So, naturally, I'm all flustered and jabber-jawed to this old, mini-Russian receptionist woman (God, they grow 'em small over there) but she's all calm like, "Welllllcome. He has just begun. Please follow me." I hate haunted houses, so I wasn't really feeling the grave welcome, but whatevs. Against my better judgement, I followed her in and sitting behind a big desk, surrounded by fifteen antsy people in chairs, sat the MR.

He said something in rapid-fire broken English and everyone in the class just smiled and looked at me, except for one chubby guy who laughed unnecessarily loudly. This irritated me until I realized that he was probably in a psychotic I'd-kill-anyone-in-this-room-for-a-cigarette-induced panic. I sat far away from him.

The Mad Russian was about 5'3" and wore a yellow shirt tightly tucked into brown pants which were belted well above his navel. This pant/shirt combo apparently hid what he described as a "healthy, solid body," proving this claim to an older woman forced to run her fingers over what, I'm guessing, were probably rock hard abs. I'm going to take her word for it. He was very animated during the hour and a half session, sitting down and gesticulating wildly, then springing to his feet to eye each of us and ask if we understood what he was saying. He did growl twice, which was alarming, but both were directed at a woman who showed up super late (I don't know, maybe that's the way they handle tardiness in Russia). His entire, only partially decipherable, rambling spiel was laced with manic "I will change your life" assertions, and the only time we spoke was when he asked if we were afflicted with physical pain, anxiety or depression and if so, if we were on medication. I told him about my faulty knees and he made me uncross my legs (I was wearing a skirt, but tried my best to avoid a Sharon Stone moment) so he could wiggle his fingers at me from across the room. It was a nice gesture, but my knees still hurt.

Important subjects that the MR touched on (from what I gathered, at least. The man was a spot-on Robin Williams impression):

*You should never take drugs to cure pain, physical or emotional. "If you sit on a nail, would you pull out the nail or take a Tylenol? Which makes the most sense?"

*All Americans are overweight. "You have a problem, you gain 300 pounds. Eating, eating, eating- it's all you do."

*No one uses common sense anymore. "It's like a stationary bike. You have it, but you never use it."

I'm not going to say I didn't agree, I guess I was just wondering how calling me fat and stupid was going to make me stop biting my nails. Embarrassing me, however, seemed to do the trick. Halfway through the session, he stopped and asked me if I was hungry, then imitated how I looked gnawing my hand off. He then pulled scissors out, though I'm not sure where he was going with that. What, he was going to stab me if I didn't stop? Cut my hair off? Actually, that last threat would definitely work... not a bad idea.

Long story short, at the end of the session, he made us all leave, then called us in again one by one. He was very sweet and complimentary when we were alone (such a midget trait- hidden kindness) and told me to relax and close my eyes...talk about a bad after school special, right? I was to say "I am biting my nails, I am biting my nails..." over and over again in my head, while he blew the bad thoughts out of my head. One quick "Pfff" later, and I was paying my $65 and meeting Mark around the corner for a margarita.

Did it work? Hard to say. I've absolutely caught myself a couple times this week, but the obsessive urge has definitely lessened and I'd consider that a success. I even cut tomatoes last night and found it delightful! As for the weird laughing guy in the beginning? No such luck :( I saw him in his car not an hour later, lighting up. I wanted to scream "Don't do this! Be strong!" but opted for obvious staring and disappointed head-shaking instead. From one addict to another, I feel his pain.

One last unrelated note: I passed one of those wretched human statues yesterday and she was sitting on a crate, holding a hand mirror and trying to fix her contact as the crowd stared. HA! You failed at your job, weird bronze fairy. Everybody knows real statues don't wear contacts!

Denim and Chocolates!

Four stuffed bags and a couple horrified stares from Mark and CoHo later, my closet is cleaned!

I tossed (with MUCH convincing):
My running shoes from senior year (ummm...in high school)
My running shoes from junior year (in college--- way more recent, thank you).
A t-shirt from Universal Studios that said Peace, Love, The Universal Way
A pair of adult Mary Jane type shoes with an ankle strap
A pair of wedge heels that Colleen gave me awhile ago (I don't feel good about that one, but she swore they'd never come back in style. I was like, are you even sure they're out of style?!)
A black and grey striped stretch polo from Kohls, circa 2000
A red bag with a band aid patching up a hole in one of the pockets

I kept:
A Big Dog t-shirt that says It's Not Easy Being a Princess
A boys flannel shirt that I bought at a Salvation Army in Bloomsburg
A XXX t-shirt that goes past my knees and elbows
A maroon halter, circa 2002, with a rip in it that you can hardly see!
A purple t-shirt that I tie-dyed in second grade (they'll have to peel that one off my dead body)

Aaaand, the piece de resistance.... my stretchy denim dress bought in 1997 specifically for Senior Week in high school! I fell in love with it all over again and completed the cleaning process marching around proudly in what I will probably wear to my wedding rehearsal dinner.

And what, you ask, were Mark and CoHo doing this entire time? In between yaying and naying, Colleen was daring Mark to eat old chocolates (from a year and a half ago!) that I'd found shoved in the back of my closet. Just another Sunday night at Fairfax....

Who Cleans Out A Closet

better than Hoops? We should have live-blogged this as it was incredibly entertaining.

Appetite Curbing, Fat Burning Lip Balm: Lip Smackingly Cool or Only for Fools??

YOU DECIDE.

Burner Balm Gets International Attention

Orders Coming in Worldwide for Fat Burner, Energy Booster, Appetite Control Lip Balm

LOS ANGELES, July 22 /PRNewswire/ -- Pacific Shore Holdings, Inc. (PSH), a Los Angeles-based manufacturing and distribution corporation is proud to announce the continued success and fast-paced growth in its Burner Balm lip balm product division. Burner Balm, a natural lip balm that claims to boost energy, suppress hunger and burn fat, recently came into the dietary, energy drink and lip balm arena. The product line is turning heads worldwide with orders coming in from as far away as the Czech Republic, Ireland and Great Britain.

Recently reported by ABC 7 News in Los Angeles, many of the competitors in the lip gloss arena have come under fire about the effects of their newly developed weight loss lip gloss products because of lack of ingestion of the dietary ingredients. The physicians that were involved in the development of Burner Balm fire back with facts about the statements being made. "Due to the number of blood vessels on the lips, product extracts are more easily absorbed than one might think," explains co-developer Dr. David Toomey. Blood vessel absorption coupled with our tasty formula leads to ingestion which gives Burner Balm a double impact and an edge over other products that are currently out there."

"Burner Balm is producing results," explains (PSH) Vice President Joey Valvo. "We are receiving calls and emails from satisfied customers worldwide, our products are different than the lip glosses, they are very gratifying to the taste buds and have a really flavorful aroma, which means ingestion of the product as well as absorption into the bloodstream."

Dr. Allan Kurtz, lead developer and co-founder of Burner Balm tells a convincing story of how Burner Balm works. "When Burner Balm is used as directed (placed on your lips four to six times daily), the product will energize you while simultaneously curbing your appetite. The science behind the product is simple, Green Tea, Hoodia, Chromium Picolinate & Caffeine have all been proven for many years to be effective as dietary supplements. When these ingredients are blended together as extracts into our flavored lip balm they become not only absorbed into the blood stream through the lips' blood vessels but also become ingestible. Meaning, when you place any of our deliciously flavored Burner Balm lip balm products on your lips, the flavor and aroma is a natural attraction for you to lick and taste, thus ingestion of the extracts occurs with taste while simultaneously absorbing through the lips' blood vessels, which leads to boosted energy and appetite suppression. Exercising while using Burner Balm can also lead to fat reduction, as Chromium Picolinate has also been proven to help your body burn fat and carbohydrates."

"Fuze, Guilt Free, and Huge Lips Skinny Hips lip glosses might just work after all," says Vice President Joey Valvo. "According to our research, which is extensive, the average woman consumes anywhere from four to seven pounds of lip products in a lifetime, which refutes any statement made about ingestion. We applaud the makers of these lip gloss products; an affordable way to curb your appetite while looking your best." These lip gloss products don't compete in the same arena as the Burner Balm lip balm product line up. Lip gloss is for women, lip balm is for everyone and at $5.99 for each lip balm, it's no wonder Burner Balm is causing such a stir worldwide. You can find Burner Balm Lip balm at www.burnerbalm.com.

Carlos.

I have got to write about what just happened. And it is not exaggerated one bit.

I'm on my way back from the gym and I notice that I have four missed calls from a restricted number. I'm like, What the frack?! Huntington Theater get off my back! (Love the theater, but those biotches have been stalking me to renew my play package...and I just rhymed). Anyway, I get back to my office and they call again, but the owner of my company is two feet away, so I ignore it. Finally they call back again and I answer. This is the conversation. Verbatim.

Me: Hello?
Mexican Lady: WHO is this?
Me: This is Sarah.
Mexican Lady: How do you know Carlos?
Me: I'm sorry? (without a British accent, though that phrase sounds better with one)
Mexican Lady: This is his WIFE and I found your number in Carlos' pocket when I was doing the laundry and I want to know where you met him!
Me: Wait, what? Nooooo idea what you're talking about. I don't know any Carlos.
Mexican Lady: (Confirms my number). That's YOU! I just want to know why Carlos has your number in his POCKET!
Me: Ma'am, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know a Carlos and have NO idea how he got my number. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I am at work, so I'm going to need to go.
Mexican Lady: Well I'm going to talk with him about this when he gets home...
Me: I hope that you do. Good luck with everything.
Mexican Lady: ...and we're going to text you later about it.
Me: Um, what? Whatever. Good luck.

Hung up.

WTF?! I am so weirded out right now. First of all, who the F is Carlos? And more importantly, why does he have my number??? I can't remember the last time I gave my number to a guy... maybe a month ago? (Kidding Mark). Seriously, I have no idea what is going on. Am I intrigued about being brought into a domestic scandal? Absolutely. Do I want anything more to do with this? Hell to the no. Will I update everyone if they text me later? Obviously.

Oh, I am just the saddest ever. I honestly cannot believe that Michael Jackson is dead... I really just can't stop thinking about it. Mark and I were up until 1:30 in the morning watching old MJ videos on MTV Jams and I'm listening to him nonstop right now on Kiss 108- he was just so good.

Michael Jackson was an enormous part of my childhood. The videos we have of Bekka and I dancing to Beat It and Billy Jean (it was never Becky Jean- sorry Bek), the pictures we have of us baking cookies in oversized shirts with his face on it, the MJ microphones we used to sing into, the bust of his head (yeah, you read that right) that Vo made me, crying over Thriller (so scary!), choosing him to write a biography on in English class and getting laughed at.... like probably everyone in the world right now, I have a million memories involving someone I'm never even met.

MJ STORY: My family and I visited California for a wedding when I was 15 and Bekka was 12. I had just bought the HIStory album and to say that I was obsessed is putting it mildly. I barely spoke to anyone as we drove up the PCH. Headphones firmly lodged in my ears, I was completely devoted to my Discman... to Michael. Anyway, at one point during the drive, Bekka timidly piped up that she would love to hear a couple MJ songs and maybe could she borrow my Discman? WHAT?! I, naturally, was horrified that she would even attempt to separate me from my beloved and responded in the most logical fashion possible. I made her list 3 (maybe 4- I could have been feeling generous) songs that she wanted to hear and told her that she wasn't to listen to any songs she hadn't listed. I then asked her to bark out the window like a dog. She did...and I think she'll tell you it was worth it.

Michael Jackson was an easy target and whether or not you believed any of the several rumors that continuously swirled around him, the impact that he's had on music is in immeasurable. He created the blueprint to pop music and I can't think of one current musician who can claim to not have been impacted by his visionary instincts. Michael Jackson had a lot to work against, but he loved what he did and, more importantly, was perfection as a performer; I respect every choice that he made (well...maybe not the baby dangling- that can get dangerous).

I just love, love, love him and only regret that I will never get to see him in concert.

Just for fun, here are my five MJ faves: Keep it in the Closet, Remember the Time, Human Nature, I Just Can't Stop Loving You, Scream.

Please bark for Michael Jackson.

Love, Sarah